Oh my... the jokes just write themselves on this one. One of the most unusual stocking stuffers ever has hit the market is on sale now: Ted Cruze To The Future! A "fact based" coloring & activity book for kids the GOP base voter.
The Cruz to the Future™ book is a non-partisan, fact-driven view of how Texas Sen. Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz became a U.S. senator and details, through his quotes and public information his ideas for what he believes will help America grow. " [...] The Cruz to the Future™ coloring book is suitable for any student desk in America, as millions of people across the country admire, respect and portray Mr. Cruz as a positive role model for children, stated publisher Wayne Bell. Parents have told our company they enjoy modern day heroes and positive role models in children's literature and Mr. Cruz as a sitting U.S. Senator certainly meets the criteria," continued Bell.
Ted Cruz Is A Man Of Great Virility And Stamina: Many “career establishment politicians are far too out of shape, old or overweight to even perform such a magnificent feat” as standing on the Senate floor and talking for over 21 hours. But not Ted Cruz!
Ted Cruz Can See The Future: Cruz spoke with “clairvoyant precision” about the “quickly approaching Obama Care disaster.
Cruz Is The Constitution’s Guardian: Ted Cruz is a “passionate fighter for limited government, economic growth, and the Constitution.
America Is A Christian Nation: American history is “replete with official references to the value and invocation of Divine guidance, including official Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays, House and Senate chaplains, the national motto ‘In God We Trust,” the Pledge of Allegiance, [and] religious paintings in the National Gallery.” So hands off those government-sponsored Ten Commandments monuments!
Providing Health Care To People Who Can’t Afford It Is Worse Than War: Cruz’s failed stand against the Affordable Care Act “was so important because millions of citizens believe Obama Care is worse than any war. At least American soldiers have weapons with which to defend themselves.”
This will make perfect candlelight reading in the comfort of your home bunker or FEMA re-education camp. Former Vice-President ordered several to keep in his "secure, undisclosed location," and it surely won't be long before the Texas Board of Education replaces those pesky civics textbooks with "Cruz To The Future!"
What are Louisiana Republicans smoking? A PPP poll released this week showed that more Republicans in the state blame President Obama (who was a Freshman Senator from Illinois) for the poor federal government response to Hurricane Katrina than blame then-President George W. Bush:
Twenty-eight percent said they think former President George W. Bush, who was in office at the time, was more responsible for the poor federal response while 29 percent said Obama, who was still a freshman U.S. Senator when the storm battered the Gulf Coast in 2005, was more responsible. Nearly half of Louisiana Republicans — 44 percent — said they aren't sure who to blame.
Ok, let's play.... Let's pretend to be Louisiana Republicans and think about what else we could blame on President Obama.
Now, it has to be something that happened before he became president:
(Check out this article, and much more at Rocket City Blues. - promoted by mooncat)
US House of Representatives to Do Self-Examination
The US House of Representatives—for our European readers, formerly an organ of governance but of late performance art for rednecks, simpletons and venial bastards of every variety imaginable—has voted with a modest majority to perform medical examinations upon each other. House Ethics Committee Chairman Daryl Issa (R CA), a former car thief, announced today that on the coming August 1 “We’ll just pair up on the House floor and perform prostate exams on each other. This will prove that Obama’s Big Government takeover of doctoring is socialist and too expensive. Americans just want to take care of themselves.”
What if the Republican Party held its own Olympics? Maybe a couple of exciting games like "Blind Trust Bluff" and "Pin the Blame on the Donkey." They might also have events that star expensive, dancing tax shelters horses.
Fiscal cliff diving Synchronized voter suppression Car-top dog crate hosedown Shooting stuff Backwards rowing Electrified fencing Football (the American kind, not the yurpian commie kind!) More shooting stuff Atlas shrugging Aspirin-between-the-knees relay Caribbean tax-haven-to-tax-haven regatta Logic leaping Super PAC donor fluffing Shooting stuff you already shot Gay servicemember booing Individual and team pearl clutching Protest sign spelling bee (canceled, since everyone was disqualified during the qualifying round) Climate science reality hurdles Pin the shame on the libertine Shooting stuff again (bazooka finals) Economic theory gymnastics Retroactive retiring
Share your favorites & suggestions in the comments.
Also use this as an open thread to talk about what dumb thing the Romney campaign did today - or anything else that tickles your fancy.
Mooncat & I are headed to Birmingham to see Michelle Obama, so we'll be off the blog most of the afternoon & evening.
Holy Cow. So far this week, we've seen a Catholic food bank refuse donations from Planned Parenthood, Rick Santorum's spokeswoman criticized President Obama's "radical Islamic" policies, and a Republican Indiana legislator is condemning the Girl Scouts.
Stay tuned, campers... we have the first GOP debate in a month scheduled in Arizona on Wednesday night! In the meantime, dip a finger into the "shallow end of the gene pool" but be sure to wash it (with Clorox) afterwards!
If this song makes you think of Madison County Commission candidate, Wayne Parker, well.... welcome to the club.
Yesterday, Republican frontrunner Rick Santorum said the president subscribes to a "phony theology." His spokeswoman Alice Stewart took to MSNBC today to clarify: Santorum was referring to Obama's "radical Islamic policies." She herself later called MSNBC to clarify her clarification: she mean to say "radical environmental policies." It's a common mistake — haven't we all mistakenly called it the Islamic Protection Agency?
So environmenal protection is a religion? Is she saying that President Obama is a druid?
A lawmaker has sent a letter to fellow Republican members of the Indiana House saying he will not support a resolution celebrating the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts because he believes it is a "radicalized organization" that supports abortion and promotes homosexuality.
The former GOP presidential hopeful, campaigning on behalf of former House speaker Newt Gingrich (R-Ga.), told a crowd at Collins Hill High School here that when it came to voters, “50 percent of the American people do fall in the category of either stupid or ignorant as to what’s going on in this country.” [...] “Some people don’t like me because I tell the truth like it is,” Cain said. “Those of us who are informed outnumber the stupid people, but not if we stay home.”
Ok... I admit to being math-impaired... but if 50% is "stupid" how do the "informed" outnumber them?
Daddycat and I lasted about an hour into last night's debate, but it was just too dreadful to watch the entire thing. Taking Mitt Romney's advice, we "self-deported" ourselves upstairs & away from the TV. This morning, I checked the news reports for a "highlight reel" so to speak and stumbled across the #fldebate Twitter feed.
Some are just too good not to post. Here's a taste:
The full list is on the flip. It's a long image & I didn't want to take up too much space on the front page.
I have spent a number of years complaining about the interactions between Democrats and Republicans, but after the recent events involving the Keystone XL and civil liberties cave-ins, I've decided it's time to stop complaining and embrace the madness.
But I also feel like there's an ugly edge to all this...that hasn't really been fully exploited.
I mean, Republicans have tried to force through a lot of disgusting ideas this Congress as they've held various bills hostage, but it seems like, if they really tried, they could do so much more.
But I'm not here to complain, I'm here to help; that's why today we'll be trotting out a few ideas of our own that Republicans can attach to bills throughout 2012, with the assistance of certain errant Democrats.
It'll be fun, it'll be festive, but most of all...it'll be an exercise in Civic Responsibility, and in these difficult times, that's something we could sorely use.
I got a weird little story about my friend Blitz Krieger to bring to you today.
He's had a crazy car problem, he has, and over the past few months he thought he had found a solution - in fact, he thought he had found the solution of his dreams - but in the end, he's discovered that the things you dream about often don't go according to plan.
The way it's worked out for him so far, it's been a lot of anticipation followed by a sudden wave of frustration, but I feel like he's a lot better off having his particular problem with his car...because if he'd had cancer instead, he'd surely be dead by now.
(FNS - Washington, New Germany, April 17, 1947) America's new Führer, Adolf Hitler, announced today that his official War History would in fact acknowledge that one of the biggest contributing factors to the defeat of the Allies was the insistence of the former United States of America on sticking to its Balanced Budget Amendment, which left them unable to fund the wartime conversion of the US economy for the benefit of the Alliance.
"All those ideas Mr. Roosevelt spoke of", said Hitler, "Lend-Lease, modular shipbuilding, War Bonds, secret weapons...in the end, all of them were just words, since the Americans' Congress was never willing to allow the country to fully fund its war effort."
I know better than to go drinking on Sundays, but it's just been one of those weeks, and I figured I'd grab a few beers, no big deal, and then head hone and get some real work done.
Of course, the reason I don't drink on Sundays is because that's when Satan likes to go hang out at my favorite bar - and to be real honest with you, lately Satan's getting to be a real drag to hang out with once he gets drinking.
I mean, it's depressing: he's always talking about how he gets blamed for the economy, even though he claims he has no control over Wall Street, and atheism is a bit of a sore subject - and he's forever complaining about how all his best customers have been outsourcing more and more work to Varsavarti.
But if you think all that's a drag to have to deal with...you should hear him complain about Republican Presidential Politics.
So Arizona Senator Jon Kyl went and did a stupid thing the other day by claiming on the floor of the Senate that 90% of what Planned Parenthood does is related to abortions, and that, by God, we need to cut that Federal funding for abortions, and we need to cut all Federal funding for Planned Parenthood-and we need to do it today.
Of course, that 90% claim was total hooey; it turns out that only 3% of Planned Parenthood's work relates to abortions. (The Federal funding for abortions part is, too; the Hyde Amendment made such funding illegal decades ago.)
When confronted, Kyl's office released a statement claiming the Senator's comments were "not intended to be a factual statement".
Sir Rev. Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, decided to have a bit of fun with Kyl, and he challenged his audience to Tweet their own "Not Intended To Be A Factual Statement" about Kyl.
I decided to compose a Tweet of my own...and then another...and before I knew it I had an entire story's worth; that's why, today, we'll be taking a taking a short break from the daily grind to have a bit of fun with a man who truly deserves it: Jon Kyl.
What with all the attacks on Labor in states like Indiana, Ohio, New Jersey, and Wisconsin, there has been just so much misunderstanding out there these past couple weeks about what things are actually like for State workers.
Are the conditions decent? Is there excessive pay? Is there even a need for State workers?
Well, I can’t answer every question, but I can sure tell you what it’s like in our house…and the reason my words carry the “voice of authority” is because The Girlfriend has been working for the State of Washington for the past 16 years.
Bona fides established, let’s get to telling the story:
So it's Day 3 of my fake campaign for Congress, and we've run into our first obstacle
The Fake Campaign, as you may recall, is fake headed for Wisconsin, to show solidarity, and we've fake hitched a ride on a delivery truck headed for Rush Limbaugh's Florida broadcasting studios-but we fake found ourselves caught up in the all-too-real Giant Grip Of Winter that has seized the Midwest over the past week.
We're back on the road now, but we were stuck for darn near a half-day there at Wall...and if you know anything about South Dakota, you know there are really only two things to do in the City of Wall: you can shuffle back and forth between Gold Diggers and the Badlands Bar, partaking of numerous intoxicating liquors along the way...or you can head on into Wall Drug (the same one that's on all those bumper stickers and signs) and partake of the finest display of Giant Jackalopia on the planet.
The Campaign, naturally, chose Jackalopia-and that's why today's Manifesto is all about the fake impromptu 5-cent-coffee-fueled Social Security Town Hall that we held in the Wall Drug Mall for several hours while we waited for I-90 to reopen.
So when we were last together, as you all know, I announced that I'm fake running for Congress in Washington State's 8th District-and that I'm doing it because, so far as I know, the best way to get a candidate to truly "come out Liberal" is to be a fake candidate...and to make good and sure The Campaign isn't out chasing money when it's being done.
Having made the announcement, we're already making our first campaign trip-and oddly enough, our first trip as a Congressional candidate will take us to Madison, Wisconsin, where we'll link up with a few folks who, apparently inspired by me, have taken to the streets in a very big way.
When we get there I'll need a parka, a nice hat, a thermos of coffee, and a big fat Sharpie-so let me go get it all together, and then we'll be on our way.
We have spent the past two years watching as insanity has gripped Congress, and even more so with Republicans now running the House.
We have a wavering President, far too many feckless Democrats, and Republicans that have decided to dive headfirst into total "insane mode" in a full-blown effort to destroy this country just as fast as possible.
To give but one example, in my own District, WA-08, we are represented by the absolutely useless Republican Dave Reichert, whose best-known legislative achievement is that he has virtually no record of any legislative achievement whatever.
Now we've had a very interesting relationship, you and I, over these past few years; in my efforts to "bring you the story" I've been a fake political consultant, a fake lobbyist, even a fake historian...and now, I think it's time to try to bring our relationship to a new level.
And that's why, America, I'm announcing my fake candidacy for Congress.
OKLAHOMA CITY (FNS)--After an exhaustive 18-month investigation, FNS is able to exclusively report that, contrary to popular opinion, Oklahoma’s controversial State Question 755, which is intended to prevent State courts from considering Shari’a law when making legal decisions, was intended to counter an effort already underway to impose such a legal code on the citizens of the State, perhaps as soon as this fall.
Amazingly, the effort to impose Islamic law involves some of Oklahoma’s most prominent business leaders, the National Basketball Association (NBA), and the University of Oklahoma’s Fred Jones, Jr. Museum of Art.
Finally, in the evolution of human society, we have come to the point at which victims of crimes, outrages, and even genocide, are going to be given the opportunity to apologize to those who victimized them.
In the wake of Mrs. Clarence Thomas (think Ethel Merman without the charm) demanding an apology from Anita Hill for having the effrontery to complain about Mr.Thomas's blatant sexual innuendos, harrassment and even gross-out sexual joking in the workplace, a number of similar situations come to mind.
Miami, Florida, September 13, 2018 (FNS)-Facing pressure from voters to "do something" following the disaster caused by the privatization of Social Security, the White House today announced that the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) is awarding a $2 billion contract to the Halliburton Company for the purchase of 22,000 "cardboard condos" that will be installed in public parks around the Miami area in an effort to alleviate the problem of homelessness among the impoverished elderly.
"Having homeless senior citizens drag their appliance boxes all over the city reduces the community's aesthetic appeal and leads to complaints", said Halliburton spokesman Tendei Furlough. "The new modular design, combined with our ability to print attractive images on the outside of the boxes, guarantees both increased protection from winter weather and fewer complaints from affected neighborhoods."
FEMA's Director of Emergency Housing Resources Spike Fromula agreed: "We thought we had a real problem with homelessness in a number of our major cities after the Social Security safety net collapsed...but now, we think...well, we think we have a way to wrap the problem up in a neat little package."